Monday, June 9, 2014

Commitment is terrifying

Hey there readers!

During my blogging break, I've been getting a few things in order as far as my health and physical fitness goes. Part of this process has been to invite my dad to join me at the gym as a workout buddy, which has been a wonderful thing for both of us. Getting to see him regularly each week is a total blessing, and so very good for my mental health as well.

My dad and I are similar in a lot of ways, and our minds are scarily similar. Due to this phenomenon, the beginnings of feeling fit and healthy have sparked his imagination in incredible ways, and he's made a couple of suggestions to me. Seeing the pure joy and fulfillment wash over my dad's face each time we set foot in that gym is extremely rewarding to me, and of course it's awesome for him too!

He started off the other day by telling me how he'd gotten this "wild" idea, based on my doing the Spartan Sprint in 2013 (which I never blogged about, it would seem, for a number of reasons), and now he is talking about doing the Sprint in 2015. That would give us just over a year to get ready, which is doable.

If, and it's a big IF...if I were to commit to doing this with my dad, and we both completed it, we'd then get matching Spartan tattoos. Not the logo, mind you, because we're both rebels like that, but something that encompasses the Spartan spirit.


There's a ton wrapped up emotionally and mentally in actually committing to a "yes" on this to my Dad, so I haven't made a decision yet. The Sprint last year broke me, physically and mentally. There were tears at the end, and I literally hobbled for a month afterward. I still have trouble thinking about the race in its entirety, and thinking of subjecting myself to that again...I just can't fully say "yes" yet.

At the same time, I've been looking up training methods, how to replicate the tougher obstacles at home for training, and imagining how I could actually conquer this thing instead of it mocking me and whipping me every step of the course. I've looked on Craigslist for tractor tires, and I've created an entire section of my planner to training, complete with a list of what I need for the more unusual training items.

Similar to a discussion I had earlier this week with a few friends, I feel like I have actually made up my mind, and I'm not ready to admit it to myself yet. I really don't know.

Committing to a Spartan race is scary enough. Having been through it, KNOWINGLY committing to it again is terrifying.

So why do I get excited butterflies when I imagine doing the race with my dad??





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Friday, April 11, 2014

Dark Days

You know those days you can barely get out of bed, you spend hours ruminating and staring at the wall, in many ways you hate life for no apparent reason and you're surrounded by darkness?

I've been having a lot of those days lately. Things will probably be pretty quiet until something improves.





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Monday, March 31, 2014

Matters of Faith & Children

Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6

Faith in God has always been a part of my life. Even when I walked away from nearly everything I'd done as right as a kid, a deep seated knowledge that God is real and part of my life never left me. As an adult who wants to raise my daughter in the ways of God without being legalistic, or have her believe she must condemn friends who don't have the same faith, I find that things are not black and white.

I've known this for a long time, but dang y'all, having a kid makes EVERYTHING feel like a giant gray area. Tonight she confided in me that she is going through what many of us would call a "crisis of faith", where she honestly isn't sure if she believes in God, and she's scared of what that could mean.

"What if we're worshiping nothing? What if we're wasting our Sundays worshiping absolutely nothing?"

Yet, at the same time, she requested three different prayer sessions as we were going to bed/saying goodnight. I know so well this doubt, this questioning and the fear that comes with it. I have been going through something similar for a while, and trying to explore more to find out what I do actually believe. But, how do you approach that with an 11 year old? Faith is so abstract, elusive and intangible.

For tonight, I reassured her that she would be okay. That faith is a big thing, with lots of big questions, and that part of faith is accepting that there's not always answers to those questions. At least half of those words were for me, and I'm fairly positive they didn't actually come from me. I certainly needed to hear that, and it seemed to act as a bit of balm for her as well.

I wonder and worry, as a parent, if I'm not confident in my own faith, then how can I raise her with confidence?

Where do I go from here to help Kiddo?




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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Patience and Simplicity

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been under the weather lately. It seems as soon as one symptom lets up, something else is right on its heels! I was miserably nauseous for a week, and the last three days I've been laid up with a personal issue.

I've written before about my lack of patience, and it seems that I should be learning from all this that I need to be more patient!

My to-do lists in my awesome planner haven't been getting checked off, and I really don't like it when those little boxes don't get filled in/completed. I feel very lazy and directionless when I don't get things done, and this past week has truly been a week of getting absolutely NOTHING done! I barely made it through most days at work (sitting and staring at a computer, how is that hard?! When you want to puke at every movement, it gets pretty darn hard.), and went home thinking only of finally getting to lie down in bed and maybe stopping the movement would stop the nausea. Sometimes it worked! Then I'd get up and BAM, there it was.

It's made me a little stir-crazy, and even though I'm nowhere near 100% and still have pretty nasty cramps, today I had to move and actually do something. So I made myself a small to do list (oh hey Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, forgot about you!! Right after this post, I promise), and I've been gradually getting things done.

One of the big things I've been trying to accomplish with the organization I've been working on in our room is simplicity. Our space is so limited, we need to simplify and make sure everything has a place and a reason for being there. Part of that simplicity is going down to one car and I'll start biking and taking public transit for my commute. It's exciting, and I had a blast cleaning everything out of my car today! I'm honestly ready to let my little sporty car go, and the savings we'll see along with simplifying life with only having to take care a single car will be fabulous.

How are you simplifying your life lately?




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