Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Here’s how it is

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, things have been turned upside down in much of my life. I’ve decided to share some of this. After all, I share all kinds of fun, positive stuff with you, my readers! Sometimes that has to be balanced out. As much as I’d love the life of Meanbean to be sunshine, rainbows and bunnies, alas, this is not to be.

Over the last few months, a LOT has happened. A few months ago, I received a call around lunchtime from a very close person in my life, telling me she was in the hospital. At that moment, I’m 99% certain the world dropped out from under me, and I fell for hours. She has been going through some incredibly difficult emotions, journeys, and self exploration over the last 6 months, after 10 years of something she had to get away from. The hospital stay was a cumulative effect of it all, was what she needed then, and has made her an even stronger person for it. I have not had something so major happen in my life, and after that phone call, I couldn’t breathe, the room spun around me, my heart felt like it was vibrating out of my chest, and I was afraid to move. This was my first panic attack, and a harbinger of things to come.  Several days of visits to the hospital, and she was back home, things were moving toward more positive again.

Fast forward a few weeks. I am now suffering greatly with various everyday life things that should not cause major issues. I spoke to a few friends about it, and started doing a little reading. I’ve known for a while something is very wrong, and various life events made things manifest even worse.

Now, two weeks ago yesterday, I receive yet ANOTHER call. Another very close person in my life, in the hospital, same issue, everything. At this point, I can’t handle this, and head home to wait for visiting hours to start. Daily visits after work, lots of support from family and friends. All good things…except now Meanbean has NO time to herself. I have always been someone who needs alone time. Ever since I was little! My mom used to worry about me, but realized I do much better if I’m NOT forced to socialize all the time. Perhaps this is why blogging draws me? I can put this stuff out there without being in the center of a group. At any rate…things went rapidly downhill.

I made a doctor’s appointment, was officially diagnosed last Thursday, and am on my way to making things tolerable again. There’s no quick fix, I have to work, pills won’t magically cure it, but I’m being given tools. I’m still accepting that this is who I am, and I think it will be a while before I can fully accept that it’s a part of me. At the same time, I’m so thankful that I am “official” and wasn’t making myself think something was wrong from all the reading I was doing.

Four days ago, I went to Sock Summit with my girl E of NotAnotherPrincess, and had one of the best, most fun, bad-ass days of my life in recent times. It was wonderful, and I just want to say ‘thank you” again to her for coming with me and spending 8 hours walking around, getting high on yarn fumes. You’re one of my best friends! There’s not many people that would have done that.

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